I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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