You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize