i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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