After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
