I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
