capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
