I smell stomach acid.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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