if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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