Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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