I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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