I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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