Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
