who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
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