my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Someone shattered a urinal.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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