Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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