Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
this beer tastes like vomit already
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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