I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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