I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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