jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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