If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
