he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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