How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
