Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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