I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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