He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I will be naked everywhere
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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