i think my mom watched the whole time
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
