I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
