I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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