There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
