Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The air was thick with penises
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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