So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
