Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize