I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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