Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Princesses don't give blow jobs
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
