I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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