yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
