you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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