note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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