There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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