I can feel you judging me through the phone.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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