The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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