sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize