i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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