STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
