I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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