i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
