i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
