if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
