Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
