fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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