Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize