I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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