Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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