Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Im part way to drunk.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
