i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
