The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
