I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
