that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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