There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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