Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
