is your mom at the bar?
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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