Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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