I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
