I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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