it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
