It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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