you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
50% drunk capacity currently
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
